It’s about time Washington University stopped jerking around and finally answered a question that has been at the top of people’s lists for decades. Namely, when exactly did humans start wearing shoes?
Turns out riding on the outside of a moving vehicle can cause injury, even death! Thank you, federal government, for spending the necessary funds to dig up this research breakthrough.
I’m calling it the Cookie Jar Principle.
To recap…
Pull plant A from ground, light it on fire, inhale smoke into lungs, increase risk of cancer by 20 times.
Pull plant B from ground, light it on fire, inhale smoke into lungs, decrease risk of cancer. No problems mon!
Maybe it was this big, steaming pile of Schlitz Malt Liquor Bull @#$% from the University of Minnesota.
Yet another example of the kind of revolutionary discoveries we’ve come to expect from the cutting edge researchers at Harvard University.
And now, I’m going to go choke myself to death with a head of cabbage.
Of course it’s ridiculous to waste time testing for something everyone already knows is there. But I guess we shouldn’t expect much from a silly morning show like Good Morning America.
Wait, what?
Oh.My apologies, University of Arizona.
Ask what you can do for lazy, unethical scientists.
And in conclusion, I have a dream — of one giant leap for mankind.
U.S. government researchers have found that smoking 11 to 50 marijuana cigarettes a day may, I repeat may be harmful to your health.